Joy in Pain

Isn't she beautiful? She is so precious to me and brings joy to my life!  It is hard to believe that just 30 min ago, she was kicking, screaming, bit me, scratched me, and dug her fingernails into me! (really, I have scars to prove it! I'll spare you from pictures of that! :).  

I just did a "holding time" with Ruby--she wore herself out, and we'll finish it as soon as she wakes up. When I first heard of "holding time," I thought it was a little crazy. You might when you read this, too.  What I had been taught previously was that a child who is having a temper tantrum needs to be stopped--with discipline...And while that might work for most kids, who are properly attached to their parents, for some kids (adopted kids, kids who had medical issues early on, autistic kids, etc., etc., etc.), it doesn't work.  These kids try to show control in any way they can. What can they control? Their voice, for one--no matter what you do, you can't stop them from screaming.  Their eating--you can't force them to swallow anything, or to stop spitting up.  Their poop is another thing they can control (oh the joys--we have seen it :).  So while screaming is horrible, and the eating issues are a pain, I'd rather deal with the first two kinds of "control issues" than the latter. :)

So with holding time, instead of discipline for a tantrum, you pick the child up, restrain them in a way that they cannot get out, and hold them. And let them have their tantrum. Yes. And remind them over and over "I am a strong Mommy. Good thing God gave you such a strong Mommy."  If they are verbal, they will yell at you--they will say things like "you're not strong!" or "I hate you!" or "I want a different family." Don't take it personally.  Hold them until they calm down and they can touch you gently. If they fall asleep, either keep holding them or stay right next to them so that you can start it up again until they really calm down.

I have seen extreme success with this method with Noah.  Discipline for tantrums does *nothing* for him. He is trying to show control because he does not feel safe. When I hold him like that, I am protecting him, even from himself. His behaviors (when he is raging) can become destructive. Is it hard to hold a child down like that when they are upset?  OH YES.  OH MY, YES!  It's physically taxing.  Noah's holding times used to last 1 hr or more. Now they are down to about 20 min or maybe even less.

When it ends, you'll know, because the child can touch your face gently.  Then you're supposed to hold them and bond with them and make eye contact and remind them that they're loved and they're in their forever family, and all of that jazz. :)

Whether Ruby has Reactive Attachment Disorder or not is debatable, but recently I have been more and more suspicious.  She screams when anybody else comes into our home. She freaks out in public places (sometimes) and gets super, super, super clingy. She's become quite the little controller--she demands what she wants for lunch, and then throws her plate if she doesn't get what she wants. That is when I say "all done" and get her out of the high chair.  Then she throws herself on the floor and bangs her head against whatever is there (by throwing herself back), and kicks, and screams, and throws one ugly tantrum!  

That is where we began today.  There are lots of ways that parents might handle that situation. A spanking? A time out? Ignore it? Give her what she wants because the screaming is unbearable? What would you all do? (to put you on the spot!). :)  Today I picked her up and held her (restrained, but not hurting her--just holding her on my lap, holding her hands, her legs, keeping her in my lap).  This was the first time I've done a holding time with Ruby. My recent suspicions of RAD make me think that I ought to try it with her. (oh, and one more symptom--she does not like to cuddle unless she initiates it. She will not hug back unless she decided to hug in the first place).  

SO, I held her. She kicked. She screamed. She bit my arm. She tried to bite my hands multiple times. She bit her own arm (ouch!). She banged her head (and all of those pretty, but hard bobble pony holders) on my neck. She scratched my neck. She dug her fingernails into my skin, lots of times.  She was *much* harder to do a holding time with than Noah has ever been!!  Wow. She really didn't like it. And that was the biggest sign to me of all, *she needs this!!!*  

My arm hurts, but I'm joyful right now. I could easily be angry, worn out, and grumpy from all of this. I wanted a nap today, not a wrestling match with an almost 2 year old.  But I am joyful. I am hopeful that suffering through this on a consistent basis will make things better with Ruby--for Ruby, and for everyone else's sake.  I was just saying last night, I'm afraid of what her tantrums will be like if they're still like this when she gets bigger. So we need to handle this. Now. And I'm glad to have a method that works (that I've seen work!). I was just looking through "Holding Time" by Martha G. Welch, MD, again--holding times with autistic kids--every day for 6 weeks--caused these kids to look their moms in the eye, and one kid was suddenly verbal after this! Wow. It really does make a difference! I can have joy because of that. :)